A Confession

This story is not a story, really. Instead, it’s a confession, not just for me, one of the twelve, but also on behalf of my brother apostles. Maybe it seems odd to you that any of us would need to confess anything. After all, we’ve been declared saints (well, all except Judas). Some of us even have our names on books of the Bible. Churches and schools are named for us. There are feast days in our honor. Even the most obscure of us, like me, are famous in one way or another. I guess it’s mostly because we were all martyred, all that is, all except for John.

But as I think back over the three years of Jesus’ earthly ministry, I do feel the need to confess. It’s true that he chose us, and not the other way around. So maybe he justifiably got what he deserved in the twelve of us. But I can’t help thinking about what the Apostle Paul said in his letter to the Corinthians when he wrote that God chose the foolish to shame the wise, he chose the weak to shame the strong. Was Paul thinking of us? He must have, because that pretty much sums up the twelve of us, in my opinion. Foolish and weak.

We were not educated men. We were not successful in most respects. We were not leaders. For the most part, what we were best at was minding our own business! It’s hard to see what Jesus saw in us. I’ve asked myself many times why he chose me. And I still don’t know. Honestly, I don’t.

Because if you’ve read the Gospels, you found us failing, time after time. The Gospel writers were all too honest, caring little, evidently, about polishing the image of us twelve. Our shortcomings can be found in chapter after chapter.

Yes, you are aware that Judas betrayed Jesus for thirty pieces of silver. And three times, Peter denied that he knew Jesus. He also told Jesus that he would never be crucified, after which Jesus called Peter “Satan.”

And of course, you know about “Doubting” Thomas. But if you read a bit more carefully, you will notice more: when Jesus was arrested, we ran. While he was being crucified, all of us except John were hiding in fear for our lives. And note: even the women who followed Jesus displayed more courage than we did. I am ashamed to admit it, but it’s true.

Before the Festival of Booths, we dared Jesus to accompany us to Jerusalem, expecting that he would impress no one (read about it in John 7). When Jesus tried and tried (and tried) to explain about his coming death and resurrection, we didn’t listen and instead, we argued among ourselves about who was the greatest. James and John even put their mother up to asking Jesus if her sons could sit on either side of him in his kingdom. 

We complained constantly. None of us wanted to walk through Samaria. All of us wanted to dismiss the crowds before Jesus somehow miraculously fed them. We got angry when Jesus wanted to bless the little children. We were impatient when he stopped to heal the woman with the bleeding, wanting him to ignore her and help Jairus.

So yes, this is a confession. A confession of our many failings, letting Jesus down time after time.

And yet.

And yet we stuck with Jesus and he stuck with us. His patience with us was amazing. He didn’t lord it over us, commanding us as a master would to his slaves. In fact, he served us; actually, he served us as a slave would serve. He washed our feet! We were too proud to do it. But Jesus did it. And amazingly, he only occasionally lost his temper with us.

Why did he stick with us? Why indeed? I can feel very ashamed as I think about Jesus, praying in the Garden of Gethsemane, pleading with the Father to spare him, while we slept. He’d asked Peter, James and John to stay awake with him while he prayed, but they slept instead. So did the rest of us.

Andrea Mantegna's Agony in the Garden, circa 1460

I can become very emotional when I think of how he banked everything, and I do mean everything, including his very life, on the twelve of us. Don’t you know that Jesus could have raised an army of apostles? Don’t you know that he could have handpicked disciples from among the elite of Israel? Don’t you know that he could have replaced us with others, smarter, better leaders, even more faithful? That he could have, in so many words, fired each and every one of us because of our shortcomings?

He could have, but he did not. Instead, he chose ordinary men like me and he stuck with us. Why? Out of trust of the Father and the Father’s plan. Jesus trusted the Father. He often said that all he did and spoke was from the Father. Maybe secretly, he wanted to replace all of us but he did not, trusting against all appearances, that we would work out and take the Gospel message to the world.

And why did we stick with Jesus? Why? Perhaps Peter said it well when he said that Jesus had the words of eternal life. But I think it was even more than that. It was more than words. Speaking for myself, I stuck with Jesus because he truly was the Son, the Son of God. It wasn’t just the miracles and it wasn’t just his wonderful teaching. It was more and it went beyond what I could see and hear and process in my own thinking.

I stuck with Jesus, and I believe the rest did as well, because he got inside of us. He found a way to live in us and take each of us inside of himself, to live his life. In so many words, Jesus was life, a life I’d never before known and which was, as he said, “living water.” There was a life in him that I wanted more than anything I have ever wanted. And he gave it freely. A life of love. As Jesus said, He is the vine and we are the branches. He feeds us.

So yes, we should confess. Why Jesus stuck with us, I’ll never know for sure. But he did. And even though we failed in many ways, we did take his message to the world. We did. And it just goes to prove that with God, all things are possible.

When Jesus ascended into heaven, we all felt lost. Our leader was gone. And he gave us very scant instructions. For fifty days we lived in a state of confusion. We were essentially frozen, not knowing what to do and afraid to do anything.

Then came Pentecost. At Pentecost, the Holy Spirit literally set us on fire. From then on, we knew that Jesus lives in us, through his Spirit. From then on, we knew that we could literally change the world. And we did, through the grace of God. And most of us literally gave our lives for the Gospel.

And what about you? Has Jesus chosen you? For a service of some kind? For taking his word to the poor? For teaching, or for befriending the friendless? Visiting the sick? And do you wonder why he chose you for such an impossible task?

Whatever it is, whatever he has chosen you to do, please think about us twelve. When you get discouraged, think about us twelve. When you think it’s too hard and you feel overwhelmed, think about us twelve. When you realize that your motives are not totally pure, think about us twelve. And most of all, when you fail, or think you have failed, think about us twelve. Pick yourself up and think about us twelve.